"Twins" they are everywhere. I don't think Disney has a show without them. I am sure if you know me and you have mentioned this "word" you have seen the water works that come with this 5 letter word. I have bitter sweet feelings that are forever tied to that word. I will admit I am EXTREMELY jealous of anyone that is pregnant with or has twins. I wish I could do it all over again. As hard of a pregnancy that I had with my :twins: I miss it. The ultra sounds where my favorite. Even though mine always ended with tears as to find out more and more about our sweet Zoe's conditions. They were so neat to see these 2 sweet and pure spirits playing together. Zoe was the dominant one for sure, which is very surprising now if you know miss Payten. Every ultra sound Zoe was the one kicking elbowing and sitting on Paytens face. You could tell she was spunky! I remember always worrying about Payten because she hardly moved. Zoe always sprawled across my belly and had all the swimming room she desired as Payten would just stay right on my pelvic bone and rarely turned. Which made caring them extremely painful. But again brings a smile to my face now. I would always tell Brett I felt like I was pregnant will an octopus. 4 arms and 4 legs moving at the same time. What a crazy experience. I remember our first ultra sound. Brett and I were both convinced it was a boy. I was SOOOO sick with this pregnancy it had to be a boy right???? I remember the technician saying " babyA is a girl" Brett and i both looked at each other "baby A how many letters are in there.......WHAT?" Then the tech continues to say that baby B was a girl as well, and that's when this 4 letter word joined our life's. Yes I was 20 weeks pregnant before we found out about our twins. Twins run in my family and have been pretty accurate my mom is a twin and so I knew our odds were pretty high given that it skips a generation. But I never imagined myself with twins. 2 more girls wow I was overwhelmed. (My first mistake) They found a hernia in baby B (Zoe) so he referred us to a specialist in Scottsdale. There it began...... We had about a week to be soo excited calling all friends and Family telling them of the good news. We weren't really worried that much about baby B (Zoe) it didn't sound too horrible, nothing a surgery couldn't fix....at least that is what we were thinking. Well that week was pleasant. As all the days that follow that next appointment were....well HELL. This doctor we saw in Scottsdale pretty much wanted us to terminate babyB. The odds were extremely thin and he just told us that we need to act fast as I was already 22 weeks. This baby could effect baby A and me as well. I remember calling Nolan and Michele asking them..."what do we do?" I was NOT going to terminate this baby. We drove home and told the doctor we would come back tomorrow. After praying and praying Nolan and Michele flew us back down to Scottsdale and we sat down and discussed our options. We needed to hurry and do an amniocentesis to find out what other issues we where dealing with. Zoe had a diaphragmatic hernia combined with a very rare heart defect called an atrioventricular septal defect. So basically she was missing the inner part of her heart and all of her intestines and stomach were in her chest cavity. Pushing her lungs and heart over to one side. She would need immediate surgery. In Fact as we meet with the surgeons the created a "team" 14 Doctors/nurses/etc. Each one was accountable for a VERY important responsibility. She needed ecmo (life support) the minute they cut the cord. I no longer would be breathing for and with her. So she needed immediate oxygen. I remember the TEAM swiftly taking her off. No "here is your baby" as they waive her in the air. Nothing they rushed her out in her little movable baby bed. After that I no longer had "twins". They both went off to different nicu's. They both were NOT with mommy or together. They were slit apart. I truly believe twins need to stick together. That is one regret that I had. In all the books I read they would always talk about how important it was to keep them together even if one had problems. The nicu Zoe was in was such a sad room. It was for babies with severe problems. Ones that needed minuet by minute care. It was a blocked off room and very few were allowed in. Zoe's conditions obviously were different, but what if. Would that have made a difference? What earthy bond would have been created? I wish I could go back and do it all over again. I think I would have changed almost everything. I say that now but the truth is and WAS it happened for a reason. Every little detail along the way was meant to happen the way it did. I have to believe that. I remember wanting to be with Zoe and them telling me to rest and they would come get me when she was stable. That was sooooo hard for me. I was fighting off every medication they were giving me. I wanted to feel. I needed to be alert. This was a huge day, we knew that the day of her delivery would be intense as to how she would tolerate her problems. But I as the mother needed to be with her. Right after surgery and after they wheeled me in recovery they told me that they were a little concerned about Payten. Her stomach looked a little different and that they would be taking her to a nicu where they would run tests. I remember the feeling of panic. I truly think I had a mini heart attack while I was there. I was soo worried for Zoe and now Payten. The day went by very quickly and all I remember was wanted to get to Zoe's room as soon as possible. Visitors keep coming in, and I know it was to pass time but I knew my time was short. I remember a good friend came by with several matching outfits I was oooh ing and ahh ing thanking her for matching outfits when the Nicu Chief can in. I knew that wasn't good. He told me that Zoe was fading fast and I needed to get up there quick. I was soo mad. I was so sad. I was hurting, truly hurting as if I was the one in pain. I often look back and wonder if I took some of her pain as it was tooo much for her little body to endure. We hurried and did our 3 minute wash. Ran (waddled) as quickly to her side as possible. We were giving 2 choices. We could let her suffer and try another life support which she would never come out of or off as her body would get to reliant on or we could let her go and end her pain on earth. ..................................... Selfishly I wanted to say "just keep her alive" but I knew that she would never breath without life support and that she was in toooo much pain to endure. Our decision was the worst decision I have ever had to make. They expressed there sorrows and started turning off the machines. I wanted to hold her so bad. My first time to hold my precious little baby. I was in a hurry I knew she would breath long. They offered us a secluded room where we were meet by a few family members. I have never cried so LOUD and so hard as I did that night. I remember her in my arms in my wheelchair just crying loudly....WHY? Wanting nothing in life but her WHY take her away. WHY? Anyone that has ever had a c-section knows you don't want to cough/laugh or sneeze. I tore stitches that night. The pain was more than I can handle. I really can NOT imagine suffering in pain any more than what I felt that night. I couldn't breath I was hyperventilating. The feeling of loosing your child is unbearable. Knowing you cant help or change it. Tears ran down my face on to hers. This was soo unfair. my twins my baby...why? I remember her looking just beautiful. She already had that "ANGEL" glow. She was PERFECT. My memory of her was piercing. The feelings in that room at that moment where unbearable. I couldn't even look into Brett's eyes. His sounds were more then I could handle. The nicu staff came in the doctor pronounced her time of death and escorted us to my room down stairs. Being wheel chaired down the halls holding my baby as she was limp was like a horror movie. We loved her and dressed her and combed her hair. I couldn't believe her hair. She had soo much and it was soo dark. Just like mine when I was a baby. We then got there matching outfits from the diaper bag went to the little nicu Payten was in and begged the nurses to let us take pictures of my twins together. For this was the first time they would get to "meet". I sure wished I wasn't on bed rest in the hospital days before having my girls because I looked like HELL warmed over. I think my face was so swollen from crying so hard hours earlier but not getting to freshen up while on my morphine drip didn't help. I also regret not having Jade there. It was late at night and she was already 45 mins away. But she often talks or asks me why she didn't get to see or meet Zoe. The only thing I can come up with for why it didn't happen is I truly think it would have been too hard for her. She is a very emotional soft hearted little girl and I don't know if she was ready for something like that.????? But I often wonder what if?
We compared them an held them. What a uncomfortable position to hold two babies. That would have taken time to get used to. How fun it was for those few hours we did hold both together. They looked nothing alike. I remember telling Brett that Payten looked like a little old man. Zoe was so perfect and round faced. But together they were adorable. Their little matching outfits...that would have been so much fun. (Returning all the extra clothes wasn't so fun. Cashiers asking why I was returning all of these clothes.????the water works turned on every time going into every store.) The days followed with lots of meds. I had lots of problems carrying the twins. One of those happen to be called "PUPPS" I know sounds horrid. Like herpes or something. But basically my body was allergic to the placenta...lucky me I had 2 this time....So my body was covered in hives kinda. I remember telling Brett to get sand paper and scrub the living heck out of my body. You know when you itch real bad and you scratch it enough it will start to burn. Well I wanted the burn but never got it. I would scratch myself CRAZY. I know Brett was so disgusted. I wouldn't couldn't stop. I was bleeding every where and still could get it to burn. So finally I told Brett to get rubbing alcohol. Well I finally got the burn and scares to prove it too! They promised that after I delivered that it would go away. Well it was a good week plus before I was sane again. My poor belly. It was destroyed with that pregnancy. AS if stretching out that far and having extremely thin skin then this "pupps" crap that literally look like a shredded tomato. But what an amazing thing our bodies are and can do, that we can go through all of that physically, emotionally, mentally and still have a beating heart. I remember telling Michele daily that I didn't think my heart could beat and somehow it did, it never failed on me. But physically it felt like it had broken and that it would never beat and live again. Surprisingly we got throughout the next couple of weeks as Payten need to stay in the Nicu. She was not eating and she had several apnea spells those first few days. I truly believe that she too was mourning the loss of her sister. I would just cry and cry walking (very slowly) to and from the hospital. Remember we were staying at Buck and Jeans "UPSTAIRS" so every morning I would wake up freshen up and walk down the stairs get in the car drive 45 mins to the hospital and walk all the way to the Nicu. That wore me out. I never got to just relax and recover. I had already torn stitches and now walking all that much. Valet got real expensive but I was not about to park in the parking garage every day and walk to the hospital. Every once in a while I would get to sit in a nice chair but seldom. Most days it was in an office chair that was sooo uncomfortable regardless if you just had a c-section or not. The cafeteria food was actually pretty good. I truly look forward to lunch. I got to see people and hear different noises. Not the beeping sounds and crying sad babies. At first Michele stayed with me each day and then towards the end I was by myself. My mom and MIL would stay at the smiths taking turns with Jade. Every once in a while we would bring her to the hospital to see Payten. It was too hard for her to NOT touch her sister. Payten had ivies in her head and arm and a feeding tube in her nose. So trying to hold her was complicated. Jade didn't like to just sit there for more then 10 mins let alone the whole day. So luckily Grandma's entertained her during the days. I was so torn on what to do. We didn't know when Payten would be released from the hospital. The mortuary informed us that they do Not do anything to babies to preserve them and that every day we waited the harder it would be for me to dress her. I was very adamant that I be the one to do it so I contemplated flying home to take care of Zoe's funeral or waiting until I could bring Payten home. I could NOT imagine myself leaving Payten. Nights were hard enough. So I chose to stay. 13 days later we came home. the next day was extremely hard. Michele and I went to the Mortuary and dressed Zoe. The feelings there we more then I think I could handle. She didn't look good. It was hard for me to dress her but when it was all said and done I wouldn't have done it any other way. It did take me a while to the image out of my head. She was soo perfect in the hospital. The mortuary was soo kind and explained why she looked that way she did. I dressed her and that was about all I could do. They combed her hair for me and the picture I have on my blog of her in white was that day. I love that picture it is so special to me. After we left the mortuary I told family they could go see her if they wanted but expressed that she didn't look the same and it was too hard for me. I am so thankful that my mom and sister -in-law went. That is how I got the picture of her in her blessing dress all in white! Again I think everything fell into place the way it needed to. Everything happen just so. I truly hold THAT picture very close to my heart. The day of her services were EXTREMELY hard. I was SOOOOOO thankful to be home. I came home to ALL of my beautiful flowers blooming. The weather was just so calm and peaceful not to hot just perfect. I remember thinking how can life go on. How can it be so perfect at home and yet I have to bury my sweet baby today. The ceremony was good. I don't really remember much just that I couldn't stop bawling. I was holding Payten in my arms and starring at this beautiful white casket holding my other baby. I remember having crazy thoughts during the grave site, I wanted to just run up OPEN her casket and hold my "twins". Just one last time. I really had to get my mind off of that and listen to these wonderful talks that were just mumbling in the back ground. It was soo unfair. Nobody should have to bury a child.I remember feeling so uncomfortable everyone was looking at my little family. I could NOT stop the tears flowing down on face. I was crying so hard I was making noises. I could even look up. I knew everyone there was so sad for my family, and right then I could NOT handle feeling there pain as well. I wanted to make there tears dry up but I could NOT even handle my own. I think that was one of the hardest feelings too, was that I knew family/friends were hurting for our family but I could not comfort them. I didn't know what to say or how to react. I think that is why I kinda hibernated months and months after. I didn't want to run into people that I knew. I was just trying to get thought the days and really didn't want to talk to anyone. I got soo many comments that were soo hurtful. I know they were just trying to be nice but the truth was that there really wasn't anything anybody could say or do. If you couldn't bring my baby back then there wasn't anything left to be done. I really got bitter after we buried Zoe. I didn't want meals brought in, I insisted on cooking every night. I had NOT been home in months and just wanted to be BACK with my family alone. I think to that I was scared of what people would say. Sometime they said things that offended my tremendously. So I think I just really wanted to avoid all that and by doing so that meant I didn't answer my phone or the door. Which is why I think I fell into a depression too. But again I was just trying to get out of bed EVERY day and take care of my two little girls that needed me soo much. That was all I was capable of doing. Anything beyond that stressed me out. Now having almost 2 years of really pondering this I KNOW without a doubt that this trial has came into our lives for many purposes. Zoe makes me want to be a better person, she has strengthened our family. She has made Jade want to learn more and more about Heaven and returning home again. This whole experience has made calluses on my knees. I have never prayed more in my life then these last 2 years. Which has strengthen my testimony. I know Zoe is doing work in Heaven for our Family. She is our guardian angel. She continues to be guidance in my life. Strengthening my testimony. For that I am grateful. I miss her everyday and wonder what if all the time. But I do know she is safe. As a mother I just wish I could see a glimpse of her safety, I do NOT question my Father in Heaven for I know she is among other angels. Some days I just want more then a promise. I want to "see" to believe. I want to make sure she is okay and happy. I guess that is were FAITH comes in. I read my patriotical blessing over and over, I have the gift of faith it promises. So here I am learning about FAITH. Trusting in the Lord, having faith that I WILL see/touch/hold/love my baby again. Until that SWEET day.......I have a lot of work to do. I recently was talking to my dad after church one day, I had mentioned"blessings in Heaven..right?" he then told me something that has been in my thoughts ALOT lately. He said" Yes, but there's a catch. You have to make sure and get to Heaven to receive those blessings." Isn't that true. We have to be worthy to return to our Father in Heaven to receive those blessings. Our work is NOT finished on earth. It continues in Heaven.
We compared them an held them. What a uncomfortable position to hold two babies. That would have taken time to get used to. How fun it was for those few hours we did hold both together. They looked nothing alike. I remember telling Brett that Payten looked like a little old man. Zoe was so perfect and round faced. But together they were adorable. Their little matching outfits...that would have been so much fun. (Returning all the extra clothes wasn't so fun. Cashiers asking why I was returning all of these clothes.????the water works turned on every time going into every store.) The days followed with lots of meds. I had lots of problems carrying the twins. One of those happen to be called "PUPPS" I know sounds horrid. Like herpes or something. But basically my body was allergic to the placenta...lucky me I had 2 this time....So my body was covered in hives kinda. I remember telling Brett to get sand paper and scrub the living heck out of my body. You know when you itch real bad and you scratch it enough it will start to burn. Well I wanted the burn but never got it. I would scratch myself CRAZY. I know Brett was so disgusted. I wouldn't couldn't stop. I was bleeding every where and still could get it to burn. So finally I told Brett to get rubbing alcohol. Well I finally got the burn and scares to prove it too! They promised that after I delivered that it would go away. Well it was a good week plus before I was sane again. My poor belly. It was destroyed with that pregnancy. AS if stretching out that far and having extremely thin skin then this "pupps" crap that literally look like a shredded tomato. But what an amazing thing our bodies are and can do, that we can go through all of that physically, emotionally, mentally and still have a beating heart. I remember telling Michele daily that I didn't think my heart could beat and somehow it did, it never failed on me. But physically it felt like it had broken and that it would never beat and live again. Surprisingly we got throughout the next couple of weeks as Payten need to stay in the Nicu. She was not eating and she had several apnea spells those first few days. I truly believe that she too was mourning the loss of her sister. I would just cry and cry walking (very slowly) to and from the hospital. Remember we were staying at Buck and Jeans "UPSTAIRS" so every morning I would wake up freshen up and walk down the stairs get in the car drive 45 mins to the hospital and walk all the way to the Nicu. That wore me out. I never got to just relax and recover. I had already torn stitches and now walking all that much. Valet got real expensive but I was not about to park in the parking garage every day and walk to the hospital. Every once in a while I would get to sit in a nice chair but seldom. Most days it was in an office chair that was sooo uncomfortable regardless if you just had a c-section or not. The cafeteria food was actually pretty good. I truly look forward to lunch. I got to see people and hear different noises. Not the beeping sounds and crying sad babies. At first Michele stayed with me each day and then towards the end I was by myself. My mom and MIL would stay at the smiths taking turns with Jade. Every once in a while we would bring her to the hospital to see Payten. It was too hard for her to NOT touch her sister. Payten had ivies in her head and arm and a feeding tube in her nose. So trying to hold her was complicated. Jade didn't like to just sit there for more then 10 mins let alone the whole day. So luckily Grandma's entertained her during the days. I was so torn on what to do. We didn't know when Payten would be released from the hospital. The mortuary informed us that they do Not do anything to babies to preserve them and that every day we waited the harder it would be for me to dress her. I was very adamant that I be the one to do it so I contemplated flying home to take care of Zoe's funeral or waiting until I could bring Payten home. I could NOT imagine myself leaving Payten. Nights were hard enough. So I chose to stay. 13 days later we came home. the next day was extremely hard. Michele and I went to the Mortuary and dressed Zoe. The feelings there we more then I think I could handle. She didn't look good. It was hard for me to dress her but when it was all said and done I wouldn't have done it any other way. It did take me a while to the image out of my head. She was soo perfect in the hospital. The mortuary was soo kind and explained why she looked that way she did. I dressed her and that was about all I could do. They combed her hair for me and the picture I have on my blog of her in white was that day. I love that picture it is so special to me. After we left the mortuary I told family they could go see her if they wanted but expressed that she didn't look the same and it was too hard for me. I am so thankful that my mom and sister -in-law went. That is how I got the picture of her in her blessing dress all in white! Again I think everything fell into place the way it needed to. Everything happen just so. I truly hold THAT picture very close to my heart. The day of her services were EXTREMELY hard. I was SOOOOOO thankful to be home. I came home to ALL of my beautiful flowers blooming. The weather was just so calm and peaceful not to hot just perfect. I remember thinking how can life go on. How can it be so perfect at home and yet I have to bury my sweet baby today. The ceremony was good. I don't really remember much just that I couldn't stop bawling. I was holding Payten in my arms and starring at this beautiful white casket holding my other baby. I remember having crazy thoughts during the grave site, I wanted to just run up OPEN her casket and hold my "twins". Just one last time. I really had to get my mind off of that and listen to these wonderful talks that were just mumbling in the back ground. It was soo unfair. Nobody should have to bury a child.I remember feeling so uncomfortable everyone was looking at my little family. I could NOT stop the tears flowing down on face. I was crying so hard I was making noises. I could even look up. I knew everyone there was so sad for my family, and right then I could NOT handle feeling there pain as well. I wanted to make there tears dry up but I could NOT even handle my own. I think that was one of the hardest feelings too, was that I knew family/friends were hurting for our family but I could not comfort them. I didn't know what to say or how to react. I think that is why I kinda hibernated months and months after. I didn't want to run into people that I knew. I was just trying to get thought the days and really didn't want to talk to anyone. I got soo many comments that were soo hurtful. I know they were just trying to be nice but the truth was that there really wasn't anything anybody could say or do. If you couldn't bring my baby back then there wasn't anything left to be done. I really got bitter after we buried Zoe. I didn't want meals brought in, I insisted on cooking every night. I had NOT been home in months and just wanted to be BACK with my family alone. I think to that I was scared of what people would say. Sometime they said things that offended my tremendously. So I think I just really wanted to avoid all that and by doing so that meant I didn't answer my phone or the door. Which is why I think I fell into a depression too. But again I was just trying to get out of bed EVERY day and take care of my two little girls that needed me soo much. That was all I was capable of doing. Anything beyond that stressed me out. Now having almost 2 years of really pondering this I KNOW without a doubt that this trial has came into our lives for many purposes. Zoe makes me want to be a better person, she has strengthened our family. She has made Jade want to learn more and more about Heaven and returning home again. This whole experience has made calluses on my knees. I have never prayed more in my life then these last 2 years. Which has strengthen my testimony. I know Zoe is doing work in Heaven for our Family. She is our guardian angel. She continues to be guidance in my life. Strengthening my testimony. For that I am grateful. I miss her everyday and wonder what if all the time. But I do know she is safe. As a mother I just wish I could see a glimpse of her safety, I do NOT question my Father in Heaven for I know she is among other angels. Some days I just want more then a promise. I want to "see" to believe. I want to make sure she is okay and happy. I guess that is were FAITH comes in. I read my patriotical blessing over and over, I have the gift of faith it promises. So here I am learning about FAITH. Trusting in the Lord, having faith that I WILL see/touch/hold/love my baby again. Until that SWEET day.......I have a lot of work to do. I recently was talking to my dad after church one day, I had mentioned"blessings in Heaven..right?" he then told me something that has been in my thoughts ALOT lately. He said" Yes, but there's a catch. You have to make sure and get to Heaven to receive those blessings." Isn't that true. We have to be worthy to return to our Father in Heaven to receive those blessings. Our work is NOT finished on earth. It continues in Heaven.
